We touch today on a very topical, very sensitive and very painful reality of life in our time, even as it was at the time of Jesus: the question of divorce. (Mark 10:2‑16) In reply to the Pharisees’ question about the permissibility of divorce, Jesus quotes from the book of Genesis in a passage used as our First Reading today (Genesis 2:18‑24). It expresses in beautiful language the ideal of the perfect marriage. Speaking about the companion God had given him: “…the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.’ Therefore, a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
We are hardly shocked nowadays when we hear that a couple we know has decided to divorce. There are some countries where nearly half of marriages end in divorce. The percentage among Catholics is often on a par with the rest of the population. Nearly everywhere, divorce rates are growing, and this trend is a matter of serious concern.
An argument can be made that there are two kinds of divorce. First, there is the obvious kind when a couple decide to separate and terminate their marriage legally. Then there is kind of ‘virtual’ divorce where the husband and wife nominally remain a couple but live their lives separately. One or both partners feel they are free to establish sexual relationships outside their marriage. This second kind of ‘divorce’ may be more common than we realize.
Some time ago a woman wrote to me in these terms: “Yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary. No big deal, really, despite attending two Marriage Encounter sessions, a Cana weekend, and reading umpteen books on how to have a better marriage. Love, whatever that is, flew out of the window a long time ago. I’m committed to this marriage physically, but my thoughts and fantasies are in a ‘different world’. Is this what life is all about? A half life? We try to do all the right things. My husband seems quite content with his life, but I don’t really know. I might appear to be content with my life, but how can this be when I find myself thinking, ’Oh well, when I’m a widow, I will be able to do this, that and the other.’ Before, it was, ‘when I retire, I will…’ but this has not worked out at all… How do I know that I will outlive my husband?”
One wonders how many are living in half-marriages like this: neither in nor out.
Is divorce possible for Catholics? Our first reaction would be to say, “Of course not.” Yet, strictly speaking, there is nothing to prevent Catholics deciding not to live together anymore. They can even go to a civil divorce court and have their civil marriage, and all the legal responsibilities connected with it, set aside. What is ruled out for Catholics is remarriage with someone else. There are limited exceptions to this that we cannot go into here.
No matter how high our ideals may be, we must face the fact that marriage relationships can and do break down, sometimes irrevocably. It is not something that happens overnight, but if the warning signs are ignored, a couple can reach a point of no return, and the relationship becomes dead. The couple is faced with an apparently unresolvable incompatibility.
If this happens in a marriage between Catholics, what are they to do? If that they can no longer live together, the Church very clearly provides for separation, even permanent separation. This is not divorce nor is it annulment; the marriage bond still exists. (In annulment the marriage is regarded as never having validly existed.)
Where a legitimate separation takes place and where, after a reasonable period, it is clear that the separation is permanent, there would seem to be no problem for the couple to go through a civil divorce. This in no way affects the obligations arising from their Christian marriage, but it does withdraw the state’s recognition of the marriage and the civil obligations that arise from it.
In this way, the separated couple may come to a legal and satisfactory arrangement over material goods they were held in common. The court may also help to decide the status of the children and the rights of access for each parent to them. Yet, as Catholics they need to remember that their Church marriage still binds and any further marriage is, according to Church law, ruled out.
Nevertheless, it is not unknown that, after a separation and civil divorce, one of the couple does remarry—though not, obviously, in church. It is also not unknown that the first (church) marriage may have ended in disaster quite early on. Once the first flush of romance had faded, it was seen that the marriage was a terrible mistake. Even so, the second marriage, what the Church prefers to call an ‘attempted’ marriage, may prove to be stable, deeply happy and last for decades until the death of one partner.
In this case, what is to be done? May this remarried couple, who are both fervent Catholics, whose children are being formed in the Christian faith, be reconciled with the Church? Must they continue to be severed from the Eucharistic table at which their children partake—and thus be prevented from expressing their union as a family?
Again, according to the letter of Church law, this is possible provided the parents no longer have sexual relations with their new partner(s) and that no scandal is given to other Catholics who know their situation. In practice, it should be said that the Church, in its pastoral concern, may apply more sympathetic solutions on a case-by-case basis.
Remember that the Church, in its official teaching, is not just a Church law, it is a recognition of unchanging natural order. The question remains, though, whether we understand the nature of things differently now. The institution of marriage has undergone radical changes in recent times. This is likely to affect the question of divorce also.
Whatever the case, it is important for the Church to be always mindful of the healing compassion of Jesus who came to save and not to condemn. It remembers the words of Jesus that the Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath.
Despite being so widespread, there is no doubt that a divorce is a most painful experience for a married couple. Although we are told that people nowadays find commitment more difficult, it is not likely that most married couples enter marriage on a trial basis, to ‘see if it works’. On their wedding day they presume this is for keeps.
Facing the threat of divorce is an experience no one would want to go through. It is an admission of failure. Two people who once seemed so sure about each other have now to admit that they can no longer live at the level of union expected of a marriage relationship. Some individuals have even said that the pain of divorce is too great for them to contemplate another marriage.
And then there are the children. They, too, are victims. How long into their future will the experience of seeing their parents’ marriage falling apart affect their own interpersonal experiences? The tragedy is made even greater when divorce is seen as being the lesser pain than continuing to live in a home riven by constant conflict.
What is the answer to divorce? As in most sicknesses, physical or social, the best cure is prevention. Yet how can divorce be prevented? One important way is better preparation for marriage. In most cases, so much time, effort and money are poured into preparing for the wedding day. That day only lasts a matter of hours. For many, next to nothing is done to prepare for the decades of living in intimate relationship together.
Somehow there is a naive belief that with the wedding over, the couple can be left to their own devices and that nature will take care of the rest. What could be more natural than sexual union and procreation? Millions of broken marriages and divorces should long ago have told us that things are not so simple.
Today’s Gospel says that the couple are no longer two persons, but “one flesh”. To develop that kind of two-becomes-one relationship requires a lot of work. It requires a good deal of guidance and help to make it happen. In fact, marriages don’t happen, they are made.
The Church, in its wisdom, in many parts of the world, insists that couples intending to get married must follow a comprehensive pre-marriage course led by experienced married people. What the Church—and society—does not do sufficiently is to follow up with the couple after they are married. Marriages often run into trouble simply because there is no one around to give support and counsel when a marriage runs into inevitable rough patches. While in our society there are expected roles for parents and relatives of young married couples, they often do not provide the kind of effective wisdom-sharing approach that is really needed in today’s pressurized living. For Catholics, however, there are in most places ‘Marriage Encounter’ experiences or ‘Cana Conferences’ where couples can re-affirm the marriage commitment in a highly supportive environment. But Jesus is right. Divorce is not the answer.
May God Bless You and Grant You His Peace!